


Twat Talk

by arrafrost



Series: Wade Wilson: Seduction Fails [3]
Category: Deadpool (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Crack, Euphemisms, Explicit Language, F/F, Genderswap, Grocery Shopping, fem!Spideypool, genderbent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 21:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrafrost/pseuds/arrafrost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Penny and Whitney are out shopping for toilet paper when Deadpool's mouth goes off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twat Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Written back in September of 2012... man this one is old. Using [ names for genderswapped Peter and Wade.](http://xrawrchelle.tumblr.com)

“What are you still doing here? Grab one and let’s go.” Whitney grumbled, shifting impatiently on her feet in the middle of the isle. Penny had been standing in front of the toilet paper section of the grocery store for nearly ten minutes and nothing about the white fluffy rolls had changed significantly, at one point she thought one roll was trying to escape the plastic but after a good staring contest it proved to be her imagination.

“But I don’t know which one we should get. I mean this one is really good and strong but this one is softer.” Penny debated between the two packages she held in either hand, weighing them and analyzing them as though the fate of the free world depended on which kind of toilet paper she chose.

“Who the hell cares? Get the cheapest kind.” Whitney crossed her arms, attempting to lean back on the shelf behind them and accidentally knocking over cans of cat food.

“We can’t get the cheapest. It’s not good enough.”

“How the hell is it no good? It’s paper to wipe your ass and your kooch.”

“Don’t say that!” Penny scolded, a blush rising on her cheeks as she turned to give her girlfriend an incredulous look, as though it was offensive to be saying that sort of thing in public.

“Don’t say what? Kooch?” Whitney smirked, sliding up to Penny’s side with a seductive sway of her hips. “Would you prefer cunt? Or cooter?

“Stop.” Penny warned, edging away.

“How about cha-cha? Or twat!” Her fingers wandered down the brunette’s side, caressing her way to her waist where she tickled her instead. “Twat’s your favorite isn’t it?”

“No! Whit! Cut it out!” Unfortunately the tickling was rather effective and she let out a loud giggle before managing to push the blonde away, shielding herself with the two packages of toilet paper. As though the fluffy rolls could prevent Whitney from taking advantage of her once again.

“Oh! I know! Poonani! Snatch! Um… bald man in a boat?”

“Ew! No!”

Whitney held up her hands in defeat, as though she was finally at a loss. “Okay, okay, fine pink velvet sausage wallet.”

Penny’s face could only contort in confusion and disgust. “Where are you getting these? That’s fucking nasty!”

Whitney shrugged, not entirely sure really but the rate at which Penny was growing more and more uncomfortable only speed up the euphemisms. “Bearded clam, you always loved that one-”

“No! Whitney, people are looking!” Even though there had been only a few curious and strange glances of people walking by the isle, no one actually ventured down it. But Penny could only imagine the looks on people’s faces as they overheard the conversation in adjacent isles.

“Vadge? Vertical smile? Mermaid’s purse? Panty hamster? Vajayjay! Tunnel of love~”

“Enough!” Penny exclaimed, placing one package back on the shelf without regards for which one it was, not caring how soft or tough the toilet paper was anymore. She only wanted to get the hell out of the isle and out of a public forum, where she should never have brought her girlfriend in the first place.

Whitney only followed her, mouth still rattling on. “Tongue trap, dugout, magina? The promised land?”

“I’m not listening.”

“Oh! Breakfast of champions. Heard that on The L Word!”

“I don’t know you!”

“But I know your hairy goblet.”

Penny turned sharply on her heel, leaning closely into her girlfriend’s space. “My goblet is _not_ hairy!” She whispered in a stressed and almost offended voice before spinning around and continuing her fast paced march up the isle.

“Fine. How about… your power slot? Your crab hole? You’re _quivering mound of love pudding_?”

That made Penny stop, instantly reeling around to grab the blonde’s arm and threaten her with the package of twelve double roll toilet paper. “Can you shut up? We are in a grocery store and you’re… you’re-”

“Making you hot?” Whitney breathed against Penny’s ear, voice altering from the mocking flirtation to downright sexy bedroom voice.

“How is any of that supposed to make me hot?” The brunette hissed angrily.

“I dunno, you could have a soggy box right now for all I know.”

“Oh. My. _God!_ ” Penny nearly screamed as she dropped Whitney’s arm and stormed off in the direction of the checkout, desperate to be anywhere but here right now. To be in anyone’s presence but her girlfriend’s.

“Come on Pen! Your twat can’t be _that_ dry!” Whitney called after Penny as she began to disappear into the crowd, receiving a suppressed cry of rage in response.


End file.
